Trust
by theverystuffoflife
Summary: Alicia suffers a flashback whilst on shift. The team thought she was recovered, whilst she slipped through the net. Who can get through to the struggling doctor? [Alicia/Ethan, Connie & Duffy feature too.]


_Hi everyone :-)_ _This turned into a bit of a mammoth one shot once I started writing. I'm a final year student nurse, so I don't get much time to write anymore, but I really enjoyed doing this one. I hope you enjoy reading it!_

 _A still recovering and vulnerable Alicia suffers a flashback on shift. Who can get through to the traumatised young doctor?_

* * *

Alicia woke with a start, pyjamas sodden with cool sweat and shivering violently. She was as breathless and gasping as after a run, not a restful night of sleep. Sitting up, she winced as her aching back protested against yet another night of unsettled slumber on the worn out sofa. If Bea was here she'd surely be scolding her now in her Irish lilt – but she wasn't, and ever since Alicia had been discharged from the hospital she found herself back to sleeping on the sofa every night. She knew it wasn't a healthy way to cope – she came back to work with still healing injuries to her arms, far too early, working every hour under the sun, and coming home to collapse on the sofa, too tired to eat but still fighting against nightmares.

As far as her colleagues were concerned, she thought, she was "fine now". Eddie was awaiting sentencing for the ABH, the CPS were reconsidering taking up the rape charge, so he was out of the way. Sam's death had, very appropriately of course, eclipsed the entire department and Alicia was floundering with very little notice taken of her struggle. Only Ethan seemed to notice, but Ethan was…well, Ethan. It was complicated. She appreciated and resented his fussing over her in equal measure, knowing he meant well but he just didn't understand. She still loved him, she never stopped, but it was too soon to even contemplate a relationship – right now she was frightened of her own shadow, let alone intimacy with a man, and that made her feel like she was letting him down in every sense of the word.

Sighing, Alicia ran her hands over her face and scrubbed at her eyes. The day had to begin – shower and coffee, and then another day at work ignoring the knot in her stomach and concentrating on not dropping off to sleep in the middle of resus.

* * *

"Hey," Ethan smiled warmly, dragging a sleepy Alicia out of her stupor as she curled up on the sofa in the staff-room ready for handover to begin. "You look tired…I hope you don't mind me saying," he said softly, cautious to be discreet in the room full of staff, but tone full of concern.

"I'm alright," Alicia responded. Ethan noticed her fatigued tone, Geordie accent stronger when she spoke softly. "Just went to bed too late, I think."

"You sure?" Ethan said sceptically. He settled down next to her on the sofa, reaching his hand to grasp hers. "You're sleeping alright, otherwise?"

Alicia sighed. Her fondness for her friend as she felt his hand squeezing hers was enveloped by an irrational sense of frustration. She was so torn between needing comfort and a desire to just want normality, to get on with things without Ethan clucking. But before she could respond, Mrs Beauchamp came into the room purposefully, clearly not in the mood for quietening down the 'chit chat'.

"Good morning, I will keep this brief this morning as it is already busy out there." Connie said, "We have got eight in cubicles this morning, four in majors and a patient with a stroke in resus waiting for transfer. Allocations wise, can I have Dylan, Ethan and Rash covering resus please, Elle can you take majors with me, and I would like Alicia leading cubicles today – alright?" Connie caught Alicia's eye, seeing a wave of anxiety quickly replaced by steely determination cross her face. "Of course Mrs Beauchamp," Alicia responded. Connie smiled in response. Alicia seemed to be coping well, in fact thriving, with the increase in responsibility and management she'd placed upon her since she returned from sick leave. She also noticed Ethan and Alicia's clasped together hands hidden as discreetly as possible and the worry etched upon Ethan's face, restraining herself from making a comment. She knew Ethan meant well, but she worried about his endless fretting taking it's toll on Alicia's resilience,

"Great. I will leave Charlie and Duffy to sort out nursing allocations, but can we have a senior nurse in cubicles to help out Dr Munroe? Okay, good, have a good shift everybody." Connie finished, striding out of the room as quickly as she arrived.

As soon as Mrs Beauchamp left the room descended into quiet bustle, as the doctors started to leave the room and the nurses prepared for their handover. Ethan turned to Alicia once again, still holding onto her hand and now frowning in concern. "Are you okay about that?" he asked, referring to the allocations. "That's an awful lot on your plate if you're not feeling a hundred percent."

"Ethan," Alicia smiled, exasperated but trying her hardest not to get cross. "I'm not stupid – you know I won't do anything I'm not capable of. I care about my patients' wellbeing too much." She pulled her hand out of his grasp and stood up, pulling on the hem of her scrub top. "See you later."

Ethan simply stared after her. He had a gut feeling Dr Munroe was not quite as ready for this as everybody, including her, thought she was.

* * *

"Right," Alicia said chirpily, as she wandered into what felt like the millionth cubicle of the day. She was knees knackered, but enjoying this new layer of responsibility entrusted to her by Mrs Beauchamp. With the Junior Doctors under her direction in cubicles, things were flowing smoothly and she had a tiny sense of pride bubbling inside of her. "My name is Doctor Munroe, and this is Sister Duffin. You are..?"

"Tony," the gruff man responded impatiently. "Carter. Look darlin', how long is this gonna take? I've been here bloody ages."

"I'm sorry Mr Carter, we've been very busy this morning," Alicia responded confidently. She held her breath slightly as she moved closer toward her patient, a waft of alcohol smacking her straight in the face. "What brings you here today?"

"Look at the state of me, ya silly bint!" Tony snapped. "Got attacked in the pub, didn't I. Some geezer I know from the bookies, thought I owed him. Walloped me round the head, but I showed him where to go. Surprised he's not 'ere," he said proudly, folding his arms.

"Okay, did you lose consciousness at all?" Alicia replied, bristling a little at Tony's attitude.

"Nah babe," he laughed, "just sort out the cut will ya, it's ruinin' my shirt," he slurred.

Alicia sighed, turning to Duffy stood quietly beside her. "Duffy, would you be able to grab me a suture pack? I'll just do a quick neuro exam to exclude an internal injury, but everything seems alright so far."

"Of course," Duffy replied. "I'll be right back."

"I don't want no exams," Tony replied crossly. "Just patch me up and let me go."

"We'll be as quick as we can, Tony. Now, can you tell me how much you've had to drink?" Alicia asked, immediately regretting the question as Tony visibly bristled.

"How's that any of your business?" he growled. Alicia felt the anxiety build inside her, but tried to swallow any fear and breathe deeply. 'Don't show weakness,' she thought to herself, 'you've got this, you're safe.'

"It's my responsibility, Mr Carter, as your doctor, to make sure you're looking after yourself properly. That includes making sure you're drinking responsibly and not putting yourself at risk."

"Nah, you're just a posh snob, thinkin' you're all high and mighty. You doctors think you're the best thing since sliced bread. But you ain't." Tony sat himself up more, becoming more and more riled up. He took a long look at the young female doctor in front of him. "But you know what would help me?" He said, lowering his tone and taking his opportunity.

"What?" Alicia said, moving closer towards her patient as he became quieter.

"You're a pretty girl," he said, slurring. "You ought to be careful…people will take advantage of you lookin' like that." He reached towards Alicia, eyes fixed to her chest. Alicia was frozen in fear, heart pounding. She was trapped in her own body, it was playing games against her as she was stuck to the spot, internally screaming at herself to move out of Mr Carter's way.

As Mr Carter's rough, calloused hand grasped onto Alicia's forearm, suddenly her fight kicked in and she cried out in alarm. "NO!" she yelled, "please, please, no!" Bursting into gasping sobs, Mr Carter immediately dropped her arm in shock. He was chancing his arm, maybe flirting, but wasn't expecting such an extreme reaction. "Alright, love, didn't mean any 'arm," he said, panicked.

At that moment Duffy, closely followed by Charlie hot on her heels, burst into the cubicle. They were confronted by a highly distressed Alicia, almost bent double clutching onto the metal railings around Mr Carter's bed. She was sobbing, and the patient was looking at her in alarm. "Didn't mean to 'urt her," he slurred at the couple, "I only touched her arm!"

"Which was inappropriate in itself, Mr Carter." Charlie responded firmly, trying to block out the distressed cries coming from the junior doctor. "I'm going to get another doctor to repair the cut on your head and then I will get security to escort you from the building. You are VERY lucky I'm not taking this to the police." Mr Carter lay heavily back into the trolley, earlier bravado knocked flat by the current incident. "Alright."

With that, Charlie turned his attention to his wife and Alicia, the older of the two moving toward the younger, speaking softly. "Alicia," she whispered, "it's Duffy. You're alright, sweetheart. Come with me and we can go and get a cup of tea, yeah?"

Charlie reached out to place a fatherly arm around Alicia's shoulders to aid the woman to walk out of the cubicle but she screamed out in alarm again. "No, no, no," she cried, breaths coming in irregular gasps. "Please help me, please help. I – I can't, he's got me –" Alicia moved suddenly, shakily removing her hands from the trolley and stumbling to curl up in the corner, legs giving way to collapse to the ground. Her eyes were fixed firmly shut, clearly unaware of what was going on around her. She was having a flashback, Duffy realised, and she looked at her husband in alarm.

"Charlie, would you move Mr Carter into another empty cubicle, please? And then go and let Mrs Beauchamp what's going on," she said trying to communicate to her husband with emotion in her eyes. This brought back horrible memories, but she had this under control. She needed to, for Alicia's sake.

As quiet descended over the cubicle once again, Duffy made sure to pull the curtains firmly around before slowly making her way back over the upset woman. Her breathing was becoming steadily more and more out of control, and Duffy grew concerned that she was going to hyperventilate and faint.

"Alicia, it's just Duffy, okay. Just me and you." She spoke softly, barely loud enough to hear. "I'm going to sit here, I'm not leaving you – but you need to concentrate on settling that breathing down, I don't want you to become unwell." There was no inclination that Alicia even heard Duffy's words, jagged and harsh breaths not becoming any calmer. Duffy kept speaking softly, hoping desperately something would get through to the girl. She hated the idea of having to haul her up off the ground if she passed out, that wouldn't help Alicia's distress at all.

"I know how you're feeling right now, I know you feel frightened and the only one in the world feeling this fear. Just breathe, okay, this will pass, the feeling is temporary. You're safe with me."

Some time passed, but Duffy noticed Alicia's breathing was becoming more relaxed. And then, suddenly, a shaking hand reaching out from the corner. Duffy took it gently, squeezing. "I've got you, sweetheart." Alicia grasped onto the hand harder, gasps now turning into silent tears.

As Duffy heard footsteps behind her, she turned to see Mrs Beauchamp standing in the cubicle above them, eyes full of concern. 'This wasn't supposed to happen', she thought to herself. Alicia was meant to be alright – she was recovering, wasn't she? Instead, she seemed to be back to square one, paralysed with distress.

* * *

"So, what happened?" Connie sighed, face etched with worry as her and Duffy left the room Alicia was recovering in. It had taken some time, but they'd managed to gently manoeuvre an exhausted and wobbly Alicia to her feet and across to a side cubicle. She had fallen straight to sleep, clearly worn out by her ordeal.

"We had an intoxicated patient, he was being a bit rude and impatient but harmless, I left to get a suture kit and came back to Alicia in a state, and the patient was insisting he'd done nothing except touch her arm." Duffy sighed. Such an extreme reaction to something Alicia had brushed off a million times did not bode well.

"Okay, we'll speak to her when she's well enough," Connie said solemnly. "She wasn't ready, was she? Just doing a very good job at pretending she was."

"These things," Duffy replied knowingly. "They can crop up out of the blue. Rape can take months, years, to recover from. It's the hardest thing to even explain."

Connie caught Duffy's eye as they stood opposite each other at the nurses station, recognising a glint of pain. She knew little about Duffy's past, but suspected it wasn't just professional experience she was speaking about.

"I will make it my mission, I assure you, Sister Duffin, to support Alicia through this. I failed her, allowing Dr McAllister to work in this department for weeks whilst she suffered in silence. I'm not letting her suffer in silence again."

Duffy nodded, just silently hoping Alicia would not fight against the help offered.

* * *

Alicia was confused, when she woke with a start. She'd woken suddenly, without any nightmares, so for the first time in the long time was not in a cold sweat with a racing heartrate. Then she realised she was exhausted, her limbs aching and her head pounding, like she'd cried hard for a long time. Opening her eyes she squinted against the bright artificial light, and suddenly realised where she was. She was in the E.D, on a cubicle bed, she frowned, and tried to remember what brought her here. Immediately she was hit with the memory of Mr Carter, and her face flushed. She remembered his arm touching hers, and then screaming and crying and panic, but then nothing. Tearfully sighing, she rolled onto her back and squeezed her eyes shut again. She'd had a panic attack in front of a patient, so she was absolutely going to lose her job, just on top of everything else.

"Dr Munroe," Alicia recognised the voice entering the room as Mrs Beauchamp's, and reluctantly opened her eyes. "How are you feeling?" She heard the sympathy and gentleness in her usually stern boss' tone, as she came closer toward the bed.

"A bit tired, but better," Alicia whispered, her voice hoarse from crying. "Mrs Beauchamp, I am so sorry. I let you down with my unprofessionalism."

"No, Alicia, you did not let anybody down." Connie replied. She tentatively reached to take her young doctor's cold hand, hoping to offer some comfort to the exhausted looking woman. "Your reaction was extreme, but totally normal considering the circumstances. I just wish you'd told me that you aren't coping so well."

"I'm trying so hard, Mrs Beauchamp," Alicia replied tearfully. "I don't want to be a victim, of him, I want to get on with things, build up my management portfolio – I'm trying,"

"There is plenty of time for all of that, Alicia," Connie said softly. "You are an amazing physician, with a brilliant future ahead of you. But you can't fight healing against this, whether it's physically and psychologically." She squeezed Alicia's hand. "Get some rest, you look tired. We'll talk more when you're feeling better, about what we can do to help you. You're not alone in this."

* * *

"Hey," Duffy said quietly to Alicia, having spotted her sitting in the Peace Garden. She still looked worn out, make-up under her eyes and deathly pale, but her calmness was a stark contrast to the distress of earlier. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"

"No, of course not." Alicia replied, smiling weakly at the older woman. "Duffy – thank you, for earlier. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember you brought me round. I was a mess, I'm so sorry."

"Alicia, listen to me, do not apologise." Duffy said, almost sternly. "You've got nothing to be sorry about."

"I just, I don't know what the right thing to do is – " Alicia said. "Do I get on with things, do I sit in misery and mope? How do I get through this, make it go away?"

"There's your first problem, sweetheart. This won't go away – and that's really difficult to say, and to hear, but you can't fight against this being part of your life anymore." Duffy replied, reaching over to place her hand over Alicia's knee.

Alicia turned, looking at Duffy in the eye. She saw something there, as she nodded in acknowledgement of her words. Duffy smiled knowingly, trying to stem the tears that tried to brew in her eyes.

"Alicia," Duffy started. It had been decades, yet making this admission still felt as if her insides were being pulled and twisted. "When I was about your age, it happened to me too."

Alicia inhaled deeply, trying to keep her composure. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Duffy shook her head, squeezing Alicia's leg comfortingly. "So when I say these things, I know, okay? I know how hard this is. But I promise you, with the right support, it won't be all consuming. It will always be a little part of you, but it won't own you."

"How did you do it?" Alicia whispered, tears crawling down her cheeks. "How did you accept it?"

"Trust." Duffy replied simply. "You find your inner circle of trust, and they will look after you. It's only your choice how big that circle is. I'd like to be part of it, if you'll let me. But I'll tell you who else is hurting for you, who wants to help you through this."

"I know you're going to say Ethan," Alicia sobbed, "I'm just so scared."

"I know," Duffy replied, seemingly understanding completely. "But when it happened to you, those weeks ago, you were more scared, weren't you? You've been so brave, and trusting Ethan, your best friend, needs just a tiny bit of that bravery."

Alicia took a deep breath in response, nodding gently.

* * *

Curled up on the sofa in her pyjamas, feeling sleepy after a warm bath and a proper meal for the first time in ages, Alicia channel-hopped through the television. After her conversation with Duffy, Alicia had spoken again with Connie, who promised arranging therapy, a phased return to work, and all sorts of other things that Alicia mostly zoned out – struggling to concentrate on Connie's words amongst the fatigue. But she left the E.D that evening feeling considerably stronger, her "trust circle" two people stronger.

Her phone buzzed, and Alicia pulled her eyes away from the over-dramatic depressing soap she'd settled on onto the vibrating screen. It was another missed call from Ethan. She'd not seen him all day since that morning's handover but she was sure he'd caught wind of the days events. She just didn't have the energy to explain. Suddenly, a gentle tap on her front door set her on edge. Grumbling at herself and her jumpiness, she remembered what Connie and Duffy said about not fighting against herself, and took a deep breath, accepting her anxiety for what it was. Padding towards the door, she opened it to meet a kind, warm pair of eyes poring into hers.

"Ethan," she whispered, smiling warmly. "Come in."

"Are you sure? I just wanted to see how you were, I heard about today – but I don't want to intrude." Ethan stuttered nervously, stepping over the threshold.

"Don't be silly," Alicia replied lightly. "I'll put the kettle on."

"No, let me," Ethan said gently, "I know where everything is. Go and get settled." He recognise the look in his best friends eyes as pure relief, as if a simple offer of a cup of tea took the world's worries of her shoulders, and smiled at her retreating back.

Walking back into the living room, precariously carrying two boiling hot drinks close to spilling over (he never could get the ratio of milk and water right), Ethan stopped in his tracks when he saw Alicia fast asleep on the sofa. But she wasn't sleeping peacefully, he noted sadly. Stress was etched upon her face, her fists were clenched and she was mumbling anxiously. He realised she was obviously having a nightmare, and stood torn for a second as to whether or not to wake her. But as she cried out in her sleep, the distressing noise forced Ethan to place the mugs on the coffee table and crouch in front of the sofa. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Alicia further, especially after her earlier panic attack, but the sleep she was getting was far from restful.

"Alicia," he said softly, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You're dreaming, it's alright. It's alright." She gasped in fright, opening her eyes at once. Clearly disorientated, Ethan squeezed her shoulder. "It's just me, it's just Ethan."

"Ethan," she said sleepily, tears making tracks down her cheeks. "I'm so tired."

"I know, I know." Ethan replied sympathetically. "You can't sleep here, Leesh, it's not comfortable, you're not settling well."

"I can't go in there," she sobbed. "I can't go in there."

"What can I do to help?" Ethan said gently. "What about if I sit with you in there?"

Alicia nodded tiredly. She was so exhausted, she was willing to try anything.

Ethan led the younger woman into her bedroom, noting her untouched bed and clothes scattered over the floor. She was normally meticulously tidy, was Alicia. When she and Cal were briefly a couple, she would endlessly complain to Ethan about the state of Caleb's room. This mess was wholly out of character, and it was clear to see that she was spending as little time in the room as she could. Ethan could hear her breaths hitching anxiously as they came into the room, and he placed his hand on the small of her back. "I've got you, Alicia, you're safe. It's just me." He recognised how difficult and scary this must have felt to her, as she flopped onto the mattress and curled into a tiny ball, visibly shaking.

He edged himself on the side of the mattress, right by her side. "Just breathe, nice and slowly. Relax, Alicia." It took a few minutes, but she seemed to calm, and Ethan tentatively reached to brush some loose hairs from her face. "Close your eyes, yeah? I'm right here with you, I'll stay as long as you need."

Alicia nodded, gently closing her eyes. It was then that Ethan noticed she was gripping tightly onto his hand, as if afraid she'd be left alone. His next decision was one that if Alicia reacted well to, would mean she might sleep peacefully for the first time in months. He eased his hand out of her grasp, but the movement startled Alicia and she opened her eyes urgently. "Shall I lay with you?" Ethan whispered. Alicia's eyes filled with tears, and then she nodded. "Thank you. Thank you."

Ethan got up and climbed into the other side of Alicia's bed, ignoring the fact he was going to bed at 7.30pm, straight from work, in suit trousers and a shirt. Alicia immediately turned onto her side facing him, and Ethan reached and pulled her towards his chest. He could almost feel her relaxing in his arms, and he pressed a gentle kiss into the top of her head. They lay silently, no words exchanged, but it wasn't long that Ethan felt Alicia's breathing change into that of sleep. Ethan, he didn't sleep. Instead he kept his promise, holding her. And she was peaceful. It was trust.


End file.
